A Hard Time – NSFW


Laina left me after finding tetra-bytes of pornography on my private computer. Thousands upon thousands of clips and full length videos of sperm-laden women doing things that made me wake up in the middle of the night in a sticky sweat. I thought I was smart. I had the files tucked away neatly in a sub-folder labeled ‘Old Tax Forms,’ but I wasn’t smart enough to put a password on the computer. I tried to reason with her but she screamed that she’d had enough and flew out the door. That was seven months a go and I still find myself waiting to hear her car pull into the drive.

I never deserved her. She is a knock-out. Tall, strawberry blonde hair, green eyes, and curves exactly where they should be. Her breasts point gracefully to the ceiling and the place where her ass meets her legs looks like a perfect upside down heart. Next to her I look like a troll. I stand at 5’6″ and as my mom always said, I’m as wide as I am tall. My hair is thinning, I have a eczema, and I snore when I sleep on my back. None of that mattered to Laina, however. She once said she loved be because I was genuine, kind, and I made her laugh. I was shocked when she said yes to our first date and stunned when she agreed to marry me. On our wedding night, my best man said during his speech, “I see you let her out of the basement tonight. You know, the one where you keep her chained.” Everyone laughed, but me. Everyone knew she was out of my league, including me.

I don’t know if it was the porn that bothered her so much as it was the fact that we didn’t have much of a sex life. When we started dating, I was too preoccupied with her to be bothered with porn. All of my energy and lust was directed towards her. However, once we settled into married life I started watching porn again. I’d spend hours holed up in my office with the door shut downloading everything I came across, cranking it until I was sore. Laina would spend money on expensive lingerie and try to seduce me, but I couldn’t get it up for her.The rare occasions that we did have sex, I’d lose it five minutes into the process. She’d end up crying and go to bed frustrated. I’d wait until she was sound asleep to sneak into the office to finish things up.

I’ve went over it all in my head hundreds of times before and after the split. Laina was more than enough of a woman for me, yet I needed something else. Years of being alone had desensitized me. The break from porn had helped but when I began to use it again, Laina’s touch did nothing for me. As our distance grew, I started drinking more and my once charming sense of humor turned on me. I’d get hammered at social functions and say inappropriate things to other men’s wives. The worst is when we’d be out in public and a hot young girl with big tits would pass by and I’d get a hard-on. I couldn’t help myself. Every woman I saw, I undressed and fucked with my eyes, my dick responding accordingly.

Yesterday morning I was served with divorce papers. I decided I’m not going down without a fight, not that Laina and I had anything to actually fight over. We didn’t have children so there was no custody to arrange. I owned the townhouse we lived in upstate and she moved into a flashy new apartment in Lower Manhattan. Both of us have our own money and we even signed a prenuptial before marriage. The only thing I want from Laina is forgiveness and hopefully, a mercy lay.

Today is the day. I got up early, ate a balanced breakfast, and cleaned the house to clear my head. When I made it to the door to the office, I froze.Two months a go I started going to a sex addicts meeting at the hospital a quarter mile from my favorite pizza place and hadn’t stepped foot in the office since. I bought a new laptop shortly after attending the meetings and kept it porn free. The second week in, I had an epiphany. Like a person does after receiving a DUI, I asked the group leader to sign and date a sheet of paper documenting my attendance. When I first asked Raul, he gave me a queer look and tilted his head.

“You know this group is anonymous and I don’t want my name out there. I know you don’t have a judge to be taking this to. So, what is it for,” he inquired with his quick, high-pitched Puerto Rican accent. I told him it was to get my ex back. He rolled his eyes and with  one hand on his hip, he signed the paper.

I walked away from the office and returned to the sheet of paper hanging on the fridge. I traced my finger down the written dates. Five weeks in, I stopped masturbating to porn. Thanks to Raul, there was a shiny gold star next to each porn-free week. I was so excited to tell Laina.

It was now 2 pm I still wasn’t dressed. Instead, I was standing in front of the mirror wearing underwear, trying to suck in my gut while appearing casual. My face was red and my ears were hot. I looked at the room behind me, clean clothes strewn everywhere. I had tried on a half-dozen suit pants that tugged at my balls every time I breathed.The button-up shirts weren’t any better. Each button screams as I painstakingly try to make it past my belly. I huffed as I settled on a pair of grey slacks and white collared shirt that made me look like an overstuffed feather pillow.


When the elevator door opened I stepped inside and pushed the button for the 20th floor. As it ascended, I sucked in my gut but forgot to breathe. Sweat beaded on forehead and I could faintly smell my armpits. I’d forgotten to put on deodorant. I fanned my underarms using the the file that contained the speech I prepared for Laina, the divorce form, and the dated paper from the sex addicts meetings. I began flapping my arms up and down at my sides like a bird trying to speed up the drying process. The elevator door snapped open at the 18th floor. All the air left my lungs and my belly went flaccid as Laina and a muscular black man stood in front of me, waiting to enter. Unfettered, the man with Laina entered confidently and held the elevator door open for her. Laina stood there stunned, staring into my eyes.

“What are you doing here,” she demanded.

I didn’t know what to say. This isn’t how I planned to approach Laina – not in the elevator and definitely not in the company of another man. I uttered something that barely resembled English and accidently dropped the file, covering the floor with paperwork. The sweat beads turned into sweat trails and my underarms were soaked, the stench undeniable. I scrambled to pick up the papers as Laina timidly stepped into the elevator and the man bent over to assist me. Recognizing the divorce papers, Laina kneeled down and picked them up.

“Is this what you’re here for,” she asked sharply.

I looked up at her still unable to talk. I looked over at the man as he said to Laina, “Do you know this guy?”

She sighed. “It’s my ex-husband. Well, soon to be.”

The man stifled a laugh as he said, “Oh, I see.”

As he spoke the muscles in his body flexed. “How the hell does he flex while speaking,” I thought to myself. He handed me the paperwork, Laina handed me back the divorce forms, and I attempted to smooth out my sweat drenched shirt. The man, now half-smiling, stood close to Laina with his arm behind her back.

“We’re not doing this here. Not now. I don’t know why you would even show up unannounced,” Laina held her palm to her forehead in an attempt to stave off a headache.

“It’s all good, Laina. Don’t sweat it,” he consoled her, now smiling widely as if amused by the entire display.

With the papers clenched tightly to my chest, I sized him up. He was probably in his mid-twenties, neatly shaven, and his white polo shirt effortlessly embraced his well sculpted body. His jeans were dark denim and without meaning to, I noted the outline of his package. My mind immediately envisioned him grabbing her by the waist, turning her towards the elevator wall, lifting the hem of her floral sundress, and pulling her panties to the side, taking her from behind.

“Dude, do you have a boner?”

I snapped back to reality and looked down at my pants. Yes, I had a raging hard-on.

“You’re disgusting,” Laina said.

I hadn’t noticed the elevator descending and as they stepped off,the paperwork fell back to the floor, and I stood there drenched in my own stench, unable to speak, and with a sad boner. I bent over to pick up the divorce form, reached for the pen clipped to the file folder, and signed the divorces papers.


It’s Alive!

What was supposed to be a 500 or less piece is now evolving into a 7000+ word story. I’m going to take a break from this one and work on a shorter piece. This is the first time I’ve created a character that has so much to say!

Save the Children

She slowly ran her tongue along the edges of her teeth, stopping momentarily behind each third molar, where gum met tooth. They had been taken from her over a decade a go but some nights she would still wake up in a panic, the specter of iron rich blood clinging to her taste buds. The nightmares all played out the same – in a brightly lit cold room she could hear his footsteps approach her from behind. Without warning, the back of the operatory exam chair would fall and an overhead light tore at her retinas. Saliva dribbled down the sides  of her mouth as a Jennings gag held her bite in place. She’d reach to wipe it away but her arms were restrained to the sides and her feet bound to the chair so she couldn’t kick. She began screaming as she helplessly flailed in the chair until his goggled face peered over her’s.

“Stop screaming, or you’re going to scare the children,” he’d say, referring to the little ones gathered in the waiting room.

She tried to suck down her sobs but as the metal tools began to probe her mouth and yank at her wisdom teeth, she erupted in a hysterical shriek. Tears ran down her cheeks, mingling with her blood tinged saliva.

The psychiatrist called it PTSD – post-traumatic stress disorder. He said she should go back to his office for a visit, to revisit the place of the trauma. The good doctor said it would serve her well. She tried on many occasions but only made it as far as the parking lot. On one afternoon, she saw him leave the office building and climb into a shiny black Cadillac. Her pupils doubled in size and her hands grew white as they clung to the steering wheel.

She told her psychiatrist about these occurrences but left part out where she followed him home. She knew where he lived. She knew his work schedule. She even knew the weekends he had visitation with his children. She had to be careful though. The miles on her lease agreement were almost met.

She stopped running her tongue along her teeth as she approached the lot behind the office. His car wasn’t there today – unusual for a Tuesday at 10 a.m.

Across town, Dr. Rowser was driving imperviously to meet with his son, daughter, and ex-wife. He growled at traffic as his eyes darted from the stereo clock to the road. He had known better than to let her take his weekend away, leaving him to cancel appointments less than 24 hours in advance. He knew with such short notice patients would arrive anyway and he’d have to deal with his fat excuse of a receptionist upon his return.

The matinee was at 11 a.m. and he balked as he passed the line to the box office. I can hear her now, he thought to himself as he parked and walked towards the theaterYou’re never on time, you never put the children first, he recited in his mind. He saw his daughter wave from him at the middle of the line. He also noted the chafed expression on his ex wife’s face. He picked up his pace and was breathing in and out deeply when he reached them.

“Finally,” his ex announced.

“Don’t start. This isn’t my fault.”

She wasn’t listening to him. She started to say goodbye to the children when his son shrieked, “Daddy! Behind you!”

Before he could turn around he felt a cool object penetrate his left shoulder, just above the scapula. His field of vision turned red and the angles of buildings distorted as the pain center in his body activated. Fully turned and facing the assailant, he saw the knife come down again but this time it pierced his chest. He began screaming in horror as he fell crumpled to the pavement.

In a mocking tone, he heard a woman’s voice say, “Stop screaming, or you’re going to scare the children.”

Writing Prompt From:The Writer’s Book of Matches: 1,001 Prompts to Ignite Your Fiction

Creative Commons License
Save the Children by Heather Brewer is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
Based on a work at https://mujerprolijo.wordpress.com/.

The Summon of 2012

creatures 2

View Writing Prompt: Mysterious Animals

Marza mewed sweetly from her high chair. Linda peeked into the kitchen. “Oh, no, ” she said aloud. Marza had made a huge mess again. This time her meal of calve hearts had hit the ceiling and some had made it as far as the living room couch. When Linda approached her, she kicked her hind legs and began to trill her tongue.

“Why can’t you be a good little and put your food in your mouth instead of…everywhere else,” Linda asked her sweetly through a toothy smile.

Marza returned the smile, exposing a triple row of razor sharp teeth and fluttered her three long-lashed eyes at Linda. Whenever she was excited her lavender hued fur would stand straight on end and the black stripe down for forehead would become luminescent, glowing like a black-lit poster from Linda’s youth. Linda found it impossible to stay mad at such a magnificent creation.

Marza wouldn’t stay small for long; however, and Linda dreaded the day. At this point lil M weighed approximately 52kg and was only 1 month old. With a proper diet, she would continue to gain approximately 10 – 15 kilograms a week and her height would double every month. In a eighteen months she would be able to peer into a second story house, the point at which she would be considered full grown. Like others of her kind, she was even-tempered, playful, and affectionate. However, there had been evidence of other’s similar to her hunting entire villages of families in Northern Europe, slaughtering and eating everyone and everything in sight. Thankfully, genetic testing had shown a difference between the two individual genomes that distinguished those like Marza as docile and not driven to hunt if fed properly.

In Linda’s past past life she had worked as a zoologist and taught at a local university, but when the Venus-Solar eclipse occurred in June of 2012 and soon after, her career took a drastic redirection. That fateful evening, the creatures emerged – some of which were dazzling, ethereal, even mythical – while others were downright terrifying and deadly. After the Summon, the entire world was overtaken with panic and for a good reason – many lives were lost in the beginning. Complete mania broke out. It was as if WWIII had begun, but this time the enemy was not man. It was everything else.

The world held it’s breath when the second Venus-Solar eclipse occured in 2017. Thankfully, the day passed uneventfully and left everyone scratching their heads as to why it happened before. It was now 2028, fourteen years since The Summon. A lot had changed and most of the regions inhabited by creatures had returned to a new normal while other regions were quarantined. The areas with the most lethal and terrifying ones were under constant military surveillance and completely walled off from society. In fact, one third of North America was no longer accessible to civilians. In the military zones, the world’s top biologists, geneticists, and scientists of every field relished in the observation, study, the poking and the prodding of any creature they could get close enough to.

None of them appeared to be linked to any species known to man and no one seemed to know exactly where any of them came from. Some experts speculated that some came from the depths of tropical rain forests, others  may  from South-American caves untouched by man, or from parts of Russia and Africa were humans did not inhabit. Nonetheless, the creatures came from everywhere and were in every country, in every city, across the globe. In 2019, it had been determined that approximately 106 genetically distinct creatures had been identified, and every year, at least 10 new ones were discovered. Linda had joined a special group of activists to help save the creatures, even the ones that were not docile, easily domesticated or harmless; a move that proved to saved thousands from being incinerated by military war heads and militia groups.

Linda turned to Marza and wiped her glowing nose with a hand towel. Marza violently sneezed. Orange snot dripped from Linda’s arm onto the floor. “Augh, you bad little,” Linda teased as she wiped the mess. Marza continued to mew and bunted her head tenderly against Linda’s now clean hand.

Suddenly, a loud alert came from the television in the living room. Linda had forgotten she had even had it on. She slowly walked towards the set and listened to the urgent announcement in between the siren. The announcer frantically spit the warning that the North border of The Summon Holding had been compromised and that everyone within a 100 mile radius must retreat to their shelters until further notice. Linda choked down her own saliva as the blood began to circulate wildly through her arteries and veins. The sanctuary where she worked and resided was only 22 miles from the border. She backed up from the television, walking backwards into the kitchen. She turned to Marza, but she was gone.The buckled straps that had held her in place were now chewed through completely and Marza was no where in sight. Linda’s heart leapt in her chest.

A low snarl came from under the kitchen table. Linda slowly lifted the table cloth and her eyes met glowing lava red orbs. Linda was so startled she fell back on to her bottom, hitting the floor. Marza emerged from under the table, her once lavender fur had shed, exposing sharp, jagged quils. The word “please” barely escaped the roof of Linda’s mouth before Marza lunged for her throat.


Creative Commons License
The Summon of 2012 by Heather Brewer is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.
Based on a work at https://mujerprolijo.wordpress.com/2016/03/02/the-summon-of-2012/.

Leap Year

(Unedited. Unrevised. First draft. Incomplete, but I did surpass my 500 word goal – big time. To be completed…tomorrow).

It was half past three in the afternoon. “Only an hour and half to go,” Liv thought out loud. She buzzed Morgan.

“Can you bring me a double shot of espresso?”
“Sure thing, Ms. Prescott.”

Morgan waited to hear a thank you that never came. It’s ‘will’ I bring her a double shot of espresso, not can. Yes, I can. Do I want to? No, I don’t, Morgan thought to herself. She did it anyway, as she always did and would deliver it to Liv with a contrived smile. Morgan huffed her way into the break room to prepare her boss’s fuel.

Liv sat back in her overstuffed leather desk chair. A self-satisfied warmth washed over her as she ran her hand across the mahogany finish of the executive desk. Her life was what some would call an enchanted existence. Liv was born into a family of old money. She attended the finest public schools and got into Yale without a problem – not based on earned merits but because her father and her father’s father were alumni and both had served on the Yale University Board of Trustees. She dropped out her sophomore year and moved to Los Angeles School was the only thing Liv had to put effort into. Otherwise, Liv never had to work hard for what she wanted, in fact, she felt entitled to everything that she was born into – and then some.

Liv didn’t leave anything to chance. If something didn’t come easy to her, she would lie, steal, or cheat to get it without the slightest bit of remorse. Some might say she was a sociopath but she was not. Privilege and vanity had narrowed her worldview. With this cocktail of imagined superiority, came ignorance to the consequences of her actions and the impact they had on others.

Morgan, on the other hand, had worked hard for everything she had. Her mother had died when she was seven years old, leaving her to grow-up with alcoholic and meth-addicted father who couldn’t care less about her or anyone else for that matter. All he cared about was where his next fix would come from. At fifteen years old she began working at an ice cream shop two blocks away from her home in the ghetto. She saved every dime she earned and daydreamed of saving enough to buy pretty dresses and books to fill her shelves. She had to hide her money well because if she did not, her father would use it to score without an apology. She moved out at seventeen and began working her way through college, hoping to someday become a fashion designer.

Instead, Morgan worked dead-end job after job and often had to take semesters off to save up in-between. When she graduated with an associate’s degree in fashion design from a community college, she began working for Pré La Vi, the fashion label that Liv was the CEO of. As Liv’s secretary and personal assistant, Morgan supported herself as she studied fashion design at Pratt in Brooklyn.  Her studies often suffered because Liv demanded a lot out of her and Morgan resented every moment of it.

Morgan tapped lightly on the foreboding frosted glass door that stood between her and Liv’s office. When she didn’t get a response she tapped a little louder. Still no response. She gazed up at the gold lion decal that embellished the door and snarled at it. A third tapping did the trick and Morgan entered the high ceiling space with the espresso in hand and her belly sucked in.

“Here you are, Ms. Prescott,” she said adorned with a smile.

“Yeah, okay,” Liv replied and waved her away as she pivoted her chair towards the large window facing the New York skyline. Morgan set the mini mug on a coaster and as she walked away, she allowed her abdomen to relax.

Liv ended her call with a frantic merchandiser who was fretting over a display for Pre La Vi at Barneys. Annoyed by what she considered an intrusion, Liv found a small bit humor and pleasure in the way her employees tripped over their words and feet to please her. In two gulps the espresso was gone and she returned back to checking emails. It was almost time to go home.

Morgan sat quietly at her desk. Nervousness had turned into full blown anxiety and she didn’t know if she could make it another forty-five minutes. She chewed on the end of her pen cap, a habit she developed as a kid when she was studying for an exam.

Liv looked up at the clock. Forty-five more minutes. She yawned deeply and felt her eyes glaze over as she continued to read emails. Damn that espresso didn’t do the trick. Morgan probably fucked it up somehow. She yawned again and stood up to stretch when all of a sudden she felt the room spin and she collapsed, hitting her head with a smack as she descended to the floor.

She opened her eyes to a worried Morgan hovering over her.

“Are you okay? I heard a loud noise in here and came in. You’ve been out for a few minutes. I think you need to go to the hospital.”

Liv groaned and touched her tender forehead. Fuck, this better not leave a bruise.

“No, no. I’m okay,” she growled.

Morgan’s hand retreated as Liv helped herself up to standing position. She brushed off her trousers and adjusted her blazer.

“I don’t have time for the hospital. I have too much to do for tomorrow.”

Morgan felt slightly relieved but the lump in her throat remained. She offered to call Liv’s driver to take her home.

“Yes, that’s fine. I should probably leave early anyway. Do not forget to complete the errands on the list that I gave you…” Live trailed off.

“This morning,” Morgan said for Liv. “Yes, I’m on it. I’ll check on the cake as soon as I leave the office and make sure that the banquet hall is fully prepared.”

“Okay. Whatever. Just make sure it’s done.”

Live began stuffing folders into her briefcase. She placed her hand on her forehead which was now throbbing and warm to the touch.

“Yeah, you may want to put some ice on that.”
“No shit,” Liv snapped.

Morgan looked down at her feet.

“I’m sorry, I don’t feel good. I’m going home to get some rest before tomorrow. I’ll see you then.” Liv walked unsteadily towards the doorway. Morgan was stunned by the apology.

“Happy Early Birthday, Liv,” Morgan said with feigned enthusiasm.
“Save it for tomorrow,” Liv said as she closed the door behind her.

Morgan stood in the office and looked at the espresso mug. She quickly grabbed it and put her ear at the door until she heard the elevator open and close. She hurried to the kitchen and washed the mug with bleach spray. She looked around. No one will know, she hoped.


On the drive home Liv reclined on the leather head rest with ice pressed firmly to her forehead. As she watched traffic from the back seat window, she grew irritated at the thought of tomorrow’s festivities. For someone with her level of self-importance, one might assume that a day celebrating her birth would call for utter glee, Not for Liv, it was just a reminder of the one thing she could not have her way – a birthday every year. She was born on February 29th, 1988. She always blamed her mother for being born on a leap year and berated her for not planning her cesarean better. Better meaning on a day before she went into natural labor twenty-seven, almost twenty-eight years ago. Liv liked to smooth over her dissatisfaction with her mother’s poor planning by entertaining the thought that this meant she held the secret to eternal youth. If she went by the dates on calendar years, she was only seven years old. The thought made her smile.

With traffic, she barely made it home before sunset. She walked into the foyer of her home – a sprawling estate just short of 9,255 square feet; 9,254.8 feet to be precise. Regardless, Liv found it privy to round up to 10,000. Liv made her way straight to the wine cellar and grabbed the first bottle she could find. She dusted it off without any mind to the label. Upstairs, she poured herself a large glass and took four ibuprofen tablets. Most nights she would either be in Manhattan having dinner or tying loose ends that she didn’t have time to do at the office. With her head aching and her thoughts clouded, she decided to save the fanfare for tomorrow and climbed into bed. She set her alarm for 6:40 am and did a final review of the guest list for tomorrow’s party. With a grunt, she tossed her phone to the other side of her King sized bed and neatly tucked herself under a triple stuffed duvet.


The alarm sounded off. From under a pillow, Liv threw her hand at the alarm but instead knocked over something. She pulled the pillow off her face and looked down at an ashtray on the floor with ciggarette butts strown across a cheap woven rug. Liv blinked twice.

“What the…” Liv trailed off as she looked around the room. She was not in her bedroom but in a large loft space with light timidly peeking through sheets haphazardly hung as curtains. Liv gingerly set the covers aside and stood up. She felt, different. And she had no clue where she was. She took a few steps forward and cried out, “Hello?” No one replied.

She stepped through a room divider and looked around. The loft was made of wood floors and there was trash everywhere. The kitchen was visible from where she stood and dirty dishes were piled atop each other in the sink and counter top. The alarm was still sounding. Liv turned back to the bed and looked for the alarm. It came from a phone, not her phone, but a phone. She turned the alarm off.

Walking into the larger room, she saw a door to what she believed might be a bathroom and she was correct. She timidly stepped inside and gasped at what she saw. The floor was covered in dirty clothes, the sink dripped loudly, and the stained toilet seat was standing erect. She walked over to the sink and looked into the mirror. The image that met her gaze was not what she was expecting.

…to be continued.







Friday night I went out dancing and stayed up most of the night. My leg and senses paid for it. At 32, it takes a day or two for me to recover from any type of debauchery. In my twenties, I ran around Detroit most nights of the week and bounced back rather quickly. Or at least I like to look back and think I did. In retrospect, my depression and anxiety was often untreated. The mix of the two resulted in an odd concoction of melancholy and mania. I didn’t want to be alone but I couldn’t sit still. I found myself at techno party after techno party, after hours, and people’s houses until the sun rose.

Today I’ll be working on two short stories, one I hope to post by this afternoon. I feel a small disconnect from writing this morning; however, I’m going to push through and get these ideas actualized. Hopefully as I move forward, the weekends won’t be dedicated to recovery and Netflix binges 100% of the time. Oye. *sips coffee*

*sings* Getting to know you…

Before I sat down to write this, I felt that writing a personal entry is a cop-out for today’s writing practice, not worth my time (or anyone else’s for that matter). Thankfully, I came across an article earlier this week that encourages new writers to get the autobiographical urge out of their system before ever attempting to write a novel. It made sense to me because as I sift through writing prompts, I find myself drawn to the safety of familiar topics or genres of writing. When I wrote the story “Funny Feet” I was put off by the silly concept of a man who laughs every time he sees feet but as I began to write, the story unfolded before me and is now my favorite short that I’ve written.

Writing the three short stories I have in the past few days has been a huge personal accomplishment. Prior to beginning the 500 Word Challenge in 31 Days, I hadn’t written anything creative besides a witty post it note. I spent my entire twenties in school where I earned two bachelor’s degrees – one in Women’s Studies and the other in Nursing. When I wasn’t in school or working, I was partying nonstop. Looking back, I can see that I was in search of community and I found it. I could go to most popular venues in the heart of Detroit and I’d always be greeted with open arms. These were the people I considered friends.As I approached my thirties, many of those friendships drifted away because they weren’t built on anything substantial. In addition, the nightclubs and bars didn’t hold the same appeal. I often found myself bored. Nonetheless, I continued to go out consistently because I didn’t know what else to do. Plus, I hated to be alone.

I had almost given up on my dream of doing anything creative. Over the year’s I developed a mindset that if something didn’t make money or bring instant gratification, it wasn’t worth my time. Well, that mindset has changed. As I was finishing my nursing degree in 2014, my mother’s health began to decline drastically. She eventually entered hospice and I was in charge of her medical care when the hospice nurses weren’t around. It was the one of the saddest and most beautiful moments in my life. She was so grateful for my care and the love between us was palpable.

I continued caring for her, juggling school, watching over my cognitively impaired uncle, and courting a new relationship all at once. My stress level was through the roof and I kept myself heavily medicated with a high dose of anti-anxiety tablets to make it through the day. Fast forward to May 25th of 2015, my mom passed away. Fast forward again to June 15th, I lost my first nursing job. The women I worked with did not like me and for the first time in my life I found myself trying to impress people. This was something I wasn’t used to because throughout my life, people have always been drawn to me. Also, I was in the midst of grieving my mother’s death and my mind was unable to focus on the job. After I was fired, I sunk into a deep depression.

My boyfriend and I took a trip to Germany that had been planned well before my mother’s death and while we were there, my mood dramatically shifted. The trip was exactly what I needed.While in Berlin, I sat on a window sill of a beautiful apartment in a neighborhood called Kreuzberg with my boyfriend as we drank wine and dreamed about what life would be like when he moved in. It was August and he was planning to end his lease in September. We talked about different art projects, a room we would dedicate to creating music (since he is a talented musician), and how we would redecorate to make the home ours. Writing came up passively. I was more interested in the idea of becoming an artist. In my youth I was constantly drawing and when I went to college the first time, I took a painting class and learned how to use different mediums. I was sure that when I returned home that I would begin putting pencil to paper and bring the images in my head to life.

When we returned home it did not take long for depression to find me again. Steve hadn’t moved in yet and I was all alone in the house for the first time. My uncle who had been living with me up to that point had flown to Tennessee to be with my sister and it was decided that he would stay there. It was the freedom that I always thought I wanted but when it happened, I didn’t know what to do with it. So I slept. I slept a lot. And I drank. A lot.To the point that it almost put an end to Steve moving in. He told me, “If this is how it’s going to be, then I don’t know if I can do this.” The thought of losing him made me clean up my act. I started seeing a therapist, slowed down with drinking, and tried to reach out to my friends. Everything seemed to be getting better until October 28th, 2015 when I was in a car accident that resulted in a broken tibia.

Recovery was complicated in the beginning. I ended up in the hospital twice because of infection. Also, I was instructed that I could not bear any weight on my right leg for 12 weeks. Steve had to take care of me hand and foot. He even hired my cousin to come take care of me while he was at work. One might think that this would result in a downward spiral back into depression, but it did not. Sure, I was sad. There were days that I would feel immense amounts of self-pity. But something in me had changed. I felt my own mortality for the first time. I allowed myself to grieve my mother’s death. I had time to be grateful for what I did have and I dreamed of the future – a future I felt lucky to have. I also watched the man I love unselfishly do everything in his power to make me comfortable and ensure I was well taken care of. I’ve never felt more gratitude in my life.

Steve said to me one day that he was shocked at how positive my attitude was. I don’t know how or why but I was happy and the reason didn’t matter. My mental health was becoming…healthier. I did what some may call “soul searching” and truly gave thought to what it was I wanted to do besides being a nurse. Did I want to draw? Read? Write? So at first, I broke out a sketch book but was hindered by fear. Feeling discouraged, I decided to begin reading books. Books of fiction that I didn’t have the time for and didn’t make time to read while I was living out my twenties. Then online I came across a discount for three writing courses through Writer’s Digest. I got excited. In fact, I got so excited that I purchased the courses immediately and ordered the required textbooks. Next, I came across the 500 word challenge and made the decision to start. And I did. And this blog is my testament to the commitment I’ve made for myself.

It has been so long since I’ve felt this alive and consumed with writing. I hadn’t written a short story in over a decade. What surprised me even more was that I wasn’t afraid to write; in fact, I couldn’t wait to get started. I  decided whatever came out would only get better with time. Now I have three pieces that I am actually proud of. To many, this may seem insubstantial, but to me, it is a monumental feat. I am no longer dreaming of doing something, I am doing something. I am inspired and motivated. The reason I did not write a short today is because I spent most of it reading short stories and  about the craft of writing. If you could see me right now you’d think I’d had a very rough day. My eyes are bloodshot and I’m wearing leopard print pajama pants, a purple shirt, and pig slippers; however, today wasn’t bad at all. Quite the contrary. Today was full of pleasure, inspiration, and insight. I went on forums and read other’s writing and encouraged them to write. I even gave advice.

Dear words: I’ve found you again and I’m not going to let you go this time. Not without a fight.

Thank you for reading.